Shortly after I arrived in West Hartford, I taught my first session of a monthly Sunday night study group. I brought some passages from Pirkei Avot. Pirkei Avot is among the easiest, the most accessible texts in our tradition. I thought that since I did not know the people, an accessible text would be a nice place to begin. I did not count on Bernice Saltzman being part of that group. As we began to study, it became abundantly clear to me that for Bernice, studying Pirkei Avot was like winning the Tour de France then riding around the neighborhood on a tandem bike – pleasant but not overly challenging. Nevertheless, Bernice remained engaged that night and I think she learned at least one new insight into the text.
When I think now of Bernice, one particular passage from Pirkei Avot seems to resonate:
יהושע בן פרחיה אומר: עשה לך רב, וקנה לך חבר, והוי דן את כל האדם לכף זכות
Joshua ben Perachya said: Provide yourself with a teacher, acquire a companion, and judge everyone in the scale of merit.
“Provide yourself with a teacher.” Rabbi Joshua does not suggest simply acquiring a teacher or even finding one, but rather he teachers “provide yourself with a teacher.” In other words, “make for yourself teachers out of the people you meet.” Bernice’s respect for study, for learning, especially Jewish learning, meant that wherever she went, she provided herself with a teacher. She actively sought out knowledge and insights from anyone who could give them – whether it was the professors at Trinity where she earned her second bachelor’s degree, or the other students in our Shabbat morning Torah study, or even the barber where she had her hair cut for many years who asked her questions that spurred her to learn more about Jewish loan societies. She approached each person as someone from whom she could learn and turned them, whether they knew it or not, into her teachers.
“Acquire a companion.” Bernice had many companions in her life. She had Seymour, or ‘See’ as she called him, with who she spent almost 50 years of married life. He was a truly loving companion, a husband who encouraged her to pursue her studies, who shared her passion for square dancing, who turned to her for answers to the complexities of religion. Seymour’s quiet strength was a complement to Bernice’s outgoing energy. He told me that after their first dance in college – a blind date – he thought that she was a nice girl, interesting, and that she had talked a lot!
Bernice also had many companions who were friends, among them the members of her Wednesday Book Group and Aileen Stan-Spence with who she form a chevruta – a study partnership. And Bernice had once companion who was both friend and family member, her daughter Lisa, with whom she shared a special relationship that was as much ‘best friends’ as mother-daughter.
Finally, the passage from Pirkei Avot teachers us to “judge everyone in the scale of merit.” Bernice looked at each person she met with eyes open to seeing not their faults, but their abilities, talents and positive qualities. She enjoyed other people, was always ready to like them, and honestly wanted to know more about them. When I saw her in the hospital several weeks ago, she told me all about the woman with whom she was sharing her room, and I realized that most of the people I visit in the hospital never even know the name of the person in the other bed. Bernice judge everyone b’chaf z’chut (in the scale of merit); she assumed that each person had something valuable to give to the world and to her personally. The last part of the passage from Pirkei Avot is, in fact, the key to the first two. Only someone who judges everyone in the scale of merit will be able to provide for herself a teacher and acquire for herself a companion, by being open to what other have to teach and give.
Bernice mentioned to me last week that she wanted to leave her children an ethical will. She died before she was able to write it, but I believe that the way she lived her life can serve as ample guidance for her children, for Beth Israel, and for us all.
May her memory be for a blessing.